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Friday, December 12, 2003

ENVELOPMENT

"Hello?"

"Yo. Is that you?"

"It is," I said. "And who is this?"

"I can't believe you didn't recognize my voice," F said.

"It's been a while," I said. "Some years, in fact."

"It wasn't that long ago that you don't remember quite a lot about those
times," F said. "I hear you've been writing about them."

"I'd hardly call it writing," I said. "Just little bits I knock off in my
spare time. For my own amusement."

"I hear you've been publishing these 'little bits,'" F said.

"Blog stuff. It's hardly publishing," I said. "No one reads it anyway."

"Some people have been reading it," F said. "I, for example, know all about
it. And I don't think writing about that stuff is such a good idea."

"What I've got up there is pretty harmless," I said. "If not entirely
innocuous."

"So far," said F, 'but I don't like where it's going."

"If you're worried about legalities, there's something called the statute of limitations, you
know," I said.

"For your information, on some things, there's no time limit," F said.

"Jesus Christ," I said. "I was never sure what happened that night. I was
going to take a literary license when I got to that part."

"I'm not saying what happened one way or the other," F said. "I'm just
saying there's no reason to open up a potential can of worms for nothing.
Why would you even consider writing about that?"

"It's practice," I said. "I'm just trying to see if I can sustain a
narrative."

"I think you're feeling guilty," F said. "You're trying to confess like
this, hoping to get caught. Like some sicko."

"Why would I be feeling guilty? I asked. "I never, uh, did what happened.
I doubt I was ever legally even an accomplice."

"They could say you benefited financially from that thing," F said.

"I remember borrowing some money," I said. "That's all really. Just a
loan."

"Did you ever pay me back?" F asked.

"Absolutely," I said. "Surely you remember a night when you got a pizza
delivery and one of the boxes was stuffed with dollar bills?"

"That was you?"

“Absolutely."

"Then what's your angle?" F asked. "How much do they pay you for writing
that thing?"

"There is no they," I said. " And there is no money in blogging."

"I know you're up to something," F said. "And as soon as I found out what
it is, we'll talk again."

"Sure," I said. "No problem. Keep in touch."







Tuesday, December 09, 2003

DOPPELGANGER, WITH SCISSORS

"I had a nice long talk with Clifford yesterday."

”With who?”

"Clifford, the guy who cuts my hair."

"Wait, let's back up a little. Since when do you have nice long talks
with anybody? Much less the guy who cuts your hair?"

"Me? I'm very talkative. Besides, he started it. Well, I've got to go.
I'll tell you about it tonight."

THAT EVENING

"You were going to tell me about your conversation with Clifford?

"With who?"

Clifford, the guy who cuts your hair."

"Right, Clifford. He's a great guy."

”A great guy? You never said that before. You said Clifford was gay and
you were going to start going to a regular old time barber instead. You said you were starting to get creeped out going to Clifford."

"I don’t think I would have said creeped out. I rarely get creeped out. I may have said he was giving me the heebie-jeebies. I am susceptible to the heebie-jeebies. You must be thinking of someone else who was creeped out. Anyway, Clifford's not gay."

"What changed your mind?

"What do you mean?"

"The first time you went to him, you told me he was gay. You said he was
wearing a wedding ring as a disguise. The next time you went to him he
told you he had kids. You told me he was still gay, but he just didn't know
it."

"Oh, yeah. Well, I was wrong. Clifford's not gay. He's a big Eagles
fan, just like me. He knows all the players. He turns down the tv sound and
listens to the radio because the local announcers are better. He listens
to the coach's press conference after the game."

"Now I understand."

LATER, THAT SAME EVENING

”You know, maybe you should have married Clifford. He's just like me, and
he has a skill."

"You honestly think that would work in his favor? That he's just like
you?"

"Don't laugh. I said: He's just like me, and, he has a skill."

"Oh, that would make a difference then."


Thursday, December 04, 2003

TOP OF THE MORN

"I was up all night. Couldn't sleep at all. So sick to my stomach I couldn't believe it."

The chatter was coming from the cubicle directly at my right. I ducked down and
pounded on my keyboard, trying to drown out the latest co-worker health
update.

Then, the same voice, now coming from the cubicle one up and one over. "Helen, excuse
me. Helen, do you drink caffeine tea?"

"No, I don't. I never touch caffeine. Why do you ask?"

I checked the time. I'd only been in for five minutes. Too early for a
break. So, I was in for it. I was going to get the whole report.

"The reason I ask is, well, I bought this box of tea. I only drink herbal,
organic tea. And I bought this box of tea, this one right here. And I had
a cup last night and I got so sick. I couldn't sleep a wink. I was tossing
and turning, so sick to my stomach I couldn't believe it."

"Oh, no. How sad. Do you think the tea made you sick?"

"I know it. When I got up this morning I checked the ingredients on the box
and there was caffeine in this tea. I couldn't believe it."

"Caffeine! In herbal, organic tea? That's not right."

"So, I have this box of tea. There were a dozen bags and I only had the
one. I was wondering if anyone would like the rest of the box."

"Oh, no thank you. I never touch caffeine. But you should ask Walter over there.
Maybe he would like it."

I checked my watch. 9:07.

"Walter, excuse me. Walter, do you drink caffeine tea?"


LATER THAT SAME EVENING

”Have you ever used the term caffeine tea?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Have you ever heard of the term?”

“No, I haven’t”

“Could I ask you a question?”

“That depends.”

“Could you put yourself in a situation? Could you imagine that you were a tea drinker?

“OK.”

“A tea drinker, who only likes organic, herbal tea?”

“I guess I could do that.”

“Now, say you had a job.”

“You’re starting to take advantage of my good nature.”

“Just imagine this: You like organic, herbal tea, with no caffeine. One day, you buy a package of tea bags that are organic and herbal, but they also have caffeine, but you didn’t notice. So you make a cup of tea and then you get violently ill. You’re up all night. You’re sick.”

“Yes?”

“What would you do with the rest of the package?”

“I guess I would throw it out.”

“Remember, you have a job.”

“Only for the purpose of this discussion.”

“OK. Now, if you were violently ill and got up all sick and tired and still had to go to work, would you go get the box of tea bags that made you sick and take them to work to offer to your colleagues?”

“Why do you insist on torturing me like this?”

“I’m sorry, but I had to check.”

CODA

“That reminds me, you know we have company coming over this weekend. Can you pick up some Breakfast Blend on your way home tomorrow? And see if the Christmas Blend is out yet, would you? We certainly can't offer anyone that Jumbo Swill you've been buying at the wholesale club.”

“Sure, no problem.”











Wednesday, December 03, 2003

DREAMTIME

"Daddy, do you know what Zurg can do with his balls?
Good God, I thought. Where did this come from?
"I have no idea," I said. "What can he do?"
"He has yellow balls that shoot out from his hands. He can swing them and cut Buzz Lightyear in half."
I exhaled. "Oh good," I said.
"Daddy, it's not good. He could cut Buzz right in half."
"Right," I said. "That wouldn't be a good thing. Zurg must be stopped. Time for sleep now."

"Daddy, do I get to go to school tomorrow?
"Yes, tomorrow is Monday."
"Do we all get to go to school?"
"Yes, you are all going to school."
"And you get to go to work."
"That's right. I get to go to work tomorrow."

"But not Mommy. No work for her."
"No, Mommy will stay home."
"Why doesn't Mommy get to go to work?"
"She had to stay home to watch you girls before you were in school."
"But we are in school now. Can Mommy go to work now?"
"Now you are only in school until lunchtime. Maybe when you have school all
day Mommy will have some work."

"Do Mommies work with Daddies or do they work at home?
"Usually they have different jobs, not with the Daddies"
"Can Mommies stay home and work to clean the house?"
"Yes, they can do that."
"Maybe when we are big and in school all day, Mommy will work to clean up
the house."
"That's always a possibility. Good night, now."















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