Tuesday, September 16, 2003
THE ENIGMATIC DR. F DABBLES IN THE RAG TRADE
You dress like a bum. You know that, don't do?" said F.
I didn't respond. I knew what was coming. F had recently taken a job managing a local men's clothing shop.
I'm serious," F said. You"re never going to get anywhere dressing like a bum. Why don"t you fix yourself up a bit?
"You on commission at that store?" I asked.
F was insulted: "Commission. Shit. Who needs commission? I take whatever I want. Tell you what. You come on down, pick out whatever you want. I ring the whole thing up half price. Fuck commission."
"No thanks," I said. "I don't really like the stuff at that store anyway."
"You know what you like; you like bum stuff. You're gonna go through life like a bum, aren't you? You think that's right? Looking like a bum?"
"See you later," I said. "I'm late for a bum meeting right now."
YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR
F called me a few weeks later with a better proposition. "Come on down to the store Thursday night. Take whatever you want for nothing. You can pull your car right up to the back door."
What's going on?" I asked.
It's a long story," F said. The store it's not doing all that well."
"You don't say," I said.
"Well anyway, the owners, they're losing money like crazy, so they're going to shut the whole thing down."
"Still," I said. "100% off is a heck of a going out of business sale."
"It's not exactly like that," F said.
"You don't say," I said.
"They got a scheme, a genius scheme," F said. "They got a storage unit and on Thursday they're gonna take about half the merchandise, all the good stuff. Then Thursday night they'r€re gonna get broken into and burned out. They'll get the insurance and then open up in a better location with the inventory already paid for."
"They told you all this?" I asked.
"Of course not," F said. "They don't trust me for shit. I found out because they gave Tony Ten Toes a down payment and he's been shooting his mouth off all over and my nephew heard and told me."
"You're losing me," I said. "Who's Tony Ten Toes?"
"Tony Tentoze, with a z. Don't you read the papers? Don't you keep up at all? Tony Tentoze; he was sort of connected. Went around stepping on people, beatin the ones who wouldn't pay up. Then he got into home invasions and armed robberies. Just got out. Parole or probation, I'm not sure. Anyway, he's the one's going to do thing Thursday."
You don't say," I said.
"I really shouldn't be telling you all this," F said.
"True," I said.
"So I let them know I knew but I told them I wanted some shit too. Because after this, I"ll be unemployed for a while at least. So if you come in, that's part of my share."
"I'm not sure how this all works out," I said.
"Are you thick? Just come in and get some stuff and leave. How hard can that be?
"I mean the rest of the night," I said.
"Oh that? It's simple. They're gonna leave the alarm off and the back door unlocked. Tony's gonna come in, take a bunch of stuff for himself, bust the place up a little, then torch it. It's foolproof."
"Sounds like it," I said.
I'll see you Thursday."
"Oh, sorry," I said. "I don't think I can make it. I have another meeting. But let me know how it goes."
BUT I DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR
F called Friday afternoon. "Want to go to Florida?" he asked.
"When?" I said.
"Late tonight, or tomorrow morning at the latest," he said.
"Didn't go so well last night, then?" I asked.
"That Tony, he's not so bright. Actually, he's a fucking moron," F said. "He went in the back door and left his trunk open with a can of gasoline in plain sight. Cop driving by notices, then he catches Tony coming out with an armful of suits and sweaters. Which would be bad enough, but when they get backup and go into the store to investigate, they can see it's three quarters empty. Where's all the clothes? Tony's got like one rack's worth of stuff only. So they ask more questions and Tony, he's not a talker, but he's not real smart either. They called me up a while ago, asked me to come in and talk to them. I told them Ok, but I'm not really coming in. I don't want the aggravation. I think I'd rather go to Florida."
"I could go to Florida," I said. "I guess we'd be driving down."
"You're driving," F said. "My car is garaged."
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You dress like a bum. You know that, don't do?" said F.
I didn't respond. I knew what was coming. F had recently taken a job managing a local men's clothing shop.
I'm serious," F said. You"re never going to get anywhere dressing like a bum. Why don"t you fix yourself up a bit?
"You on commission at that store?" I asked.
F was insulted: "Commission. Shit. Who needs commission? I take whatever I want. Tell you what. You come on down, pick out whatever you want. I ring the whole thing up half price. Fuck commission."
"No thanks," I said. "I don't really like the stuff at that store anyway."
"You know what you like; you like bum stuff. You're gonna go through life like a bum, aren't you? You think that's right? Looking like a bum?"
"See you later," I said. "I'm late for a bum meeting right now."
YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR
F called me a few weeks later with a better proposition. "Come on down to the store Thursday night. Take whatever you want for nothing. You can pull your car right up to the back door."
What's going on?" I asked.
It's a long story," F said. The store it's not doing all that well."
"You don't say," I said.
"Well anyway, the owners, they're losing money like crazy, so they're going to shut the whole thing down."
"Still," I said. "100% off is a heck of a going out of business sale."
"It's not exactly like that," F said.
"You don't say," I said.
"They got a scheme, a genius scheme," F said. "They got a storage unit and on Thursday they're gonna take about half the merchandise, all the good stuff. Then Thursday night they'r€re gonna get broken into and burned out. They'll get the insurance and then open up in a better location with the inventory already paid for."
"They told you all this?" I asked.
"Of course not," F said. "They don't trust me for shit. I found out because they gave Tony Ten Toes a down payment and he's been shooting his mouth off all over and my nephew heard and told me."
"You're losing me," I said. "Who's Tony Ten Toes?"
"Tony Tentoze, with a z. Don't you read the papers? Don't you keep up at all? Tony Tentoze; he was sort of connected. Went around stepping on people, beatin the ones who wouldn't pay up. Then he got into home invasions and armed robberies. Just got out. Parole or probation, I'm not sure. Anyway, he's the one's going to do thing Thursday."
You don't say," I said.
"I really shouldn't be telling you all this," F said.
"True," I said.
"So I let them know I knew but I told them I wanted some shit too. Because after this, I"ll be unemployed for a while at least. So if you come in, that's part of my share."
"I'm not sure how this all works out," I said.
"Are you thick? Just come in and get some stuff and leave. How hard can that be?
"I mean the rest of the night," I said.
"Oh that? It's simple. They're gonna leave the alarm off and the back door unlocked. Tony's gonna come in, take a bunch of stuff for himself, bust the place up a little, then torch it. It's foolproof."
"Sounds like it," I said.
I'll see you Thursday."
"Oh, sorry," I said. "I don't think I can make it. I have another meeting. But let me know how it goes."
BUT I DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR
F called Friday afternoon. "Want to go to Florida?" he asked.
"When?" I said.
"Late tonight, or tomorrow morning at the latest," he said.
"Didn't go so well last night, then?" I asked.
"That Tony, he's not so bright. Actually, he's a fucking moron," F said. "He went in the back door and left his trunk open with a can of gasoline in plain sight. Cop driving by notices, then he catches Tony coming out with an armful of suits and sweaters. Which would be bad enough, but when they get backup and go into the store to investigate, they can see it's three quarters empty. Where's all the clothes? Tony's got like one rack's worth of stuff only. So they ask more questions and Tony, he's not a talker, but he's not real smart either. They called me up a while ago, asked me to come in and talk to them. I told them Ok, but I'm not really coming in. I don't want the aggravation. I think I'd rather go to Florida."
"I could go to Florida," I said. "I guess we'd be driving down."
"You're driving," F said. "My car is garaged."
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