Tuesday, September 23, 2003
A PORTENTOUS CONVERSATION
“I guess you don’t go out any more, do you?” said Fish.
“I’m out now,” I said.
“I mean, like go out,” Fish said. “Are you allowed to go out?”
“I am allowed to go out,” I said. “I’m sure of it.”
“I mean, by yourself,” Fish said. “Are you allowed to go out by yourself?”
“Yes,” I said. “I can go out by myself. Why do you ask?”
“I’ve got eight tickets for the game on June 22nd. Wanna go?”
I did a quick mental calculation. It was mid-April. June 22nd was a long time away. It might never come. “Sure,” I said. “That’ll be great.”
NO WAY OUT
That night I asked a question. “Am I allowed to go out?”
“What do you mean, go out? Go out where?”
“To a baseball game, with a bunch of people.”
“What kind of question is that? Of course you can go to a baseball game.”
“I was afraid of that,” I said.
THE PLOT THICKENS
Fish called a few weeks later. “Great news. Tiger came into some money and he’s renting a limo so we can drink all day with no worries about driving.”
“That is great,” I said.
“Be over my house around 11, we want to get an early start.”
“No problem,” I said.
“And I told Tiger we’ll all chip in for the tip on the limo.”
“No problem,” I said.
“You have work today, Daddy?” Thing 1 asked.
“No work today. I’m going to a baseball game.”
“Who are you going with?”
“Some friends of mine.”
She was flummoxed. With hands on hips: “And who are these friends?”
“Oh, just some friends I have”
“What are their names?”
“Well, I don’t actually know all their names yet, but I can tell you that one is a Fish and the other is a Tiger.”
She was properly impressed.
DAY OF RECKONING
I got to Fish’s house right at 11. He opened the refrigerator. “First things first. Bud or Coors Light?”
First Hobson’s choice of the day, I said to myself. I held up a hand signifying that I’d hold off for a while. “
“Make it a Bud then,” Fish said as he dropped a cold can into my outstretched hand.
“Bud it is,” I said.
There was an old guy standing in the living room. Thin silver hair, slicked back. Black shirt, shiny black pants, and shiny black shoes. “That’s Carmine, the limo driver. He’s really gonna take care of us,” Fish said. “Right, Carm?”
Carmine grimaced.
“Carmine’s a bartender at The Corner Bar. He’s great,” Fish said. “He drives a limo in his spare time.”
That piece fell into place.
Tiger arrived, lugging a shopping bag full of beer. “Got some Bud and some Coors Light,” he said.
“Great,” I said
“You know,” Tiger said, “in all the years we’ve been running into each other I never knew your last name.”
“I’ll be damned,” I said. “Isn’t that something.”
Fish came in from the garage, dragging an extremely large cooler. “The other guys are waiting outside,” he said. “Let’s load this up and get going.”
TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME
It was not a large limo. Wedged in between The Eye Doctor and The Bar Owner, with my legs propped up on the cooler, I did a quick count. “I thought we had eight.”
“Red’s taking the train and meeting us down there,” Fish said. “Who needs a beer?’
I closed my eyes and let the conversation wash over me.
“Bud.”
“Bud.”
"Bud Light."
“Coors Light.”
“Mich Light has fewer calories, but Mich Ultra is lower in carbs."
“Carmine, you just missed the highway entrance.”
“Who needs a beer?”
“Bud.”
"Bud Light."
“Coors Light.”
“Hey, who put these Millers in here?”
“Bud.”
“Hey, Carmine.”
Tiger was passing around a flyer. “It’s next Sunday at Emmtown Park. An all-day Bluesfest. Only $30. And all the beer you can drink. Who’s in?”
It looked like everyone was going in. “No thanks,” I said. “I don’t like the blues.”
“Everyone likes the blues,” Tiger said. “Besides, it’s all-day, all the beer you can drink.”
“I’ll pass,” I said.
"Oh, yeah. That's right. Fish told me you weren’t allowed out,” Tiger said.
It seemed for a second that everyone was looking at me, maybe in pity. I began to feel a little embarrassed. Then I realized that it was the cooler that they were interested in. Once more, I brought my knees up to my chin, the lid was lifted, and another round was gained. Everyone relaxed.
“Carmine’s making good time.”
“Too good. He just missed the turnoff to the stadium.”
“Yo, Carmine.”
“Quick, let’s have one more before we get to the stadium bar.”
“Gimme a Bud.”
“We’re out. Only Millers left.”
“Got here just in time.”
“Carmine’s gonna wait here. Pick us up after the game.”
“He’s a great guy, Carmine.”
“There’s Red. Let go in and get a beer.”
The stadium bar featured two types of beer on tap.
TAKE ME OUT WITH THE CROWD
We eventually worked our way to our seats. They weren’t the best. In right field, lower level, but so far back we were in perpetual shadow from the upper deck overhang. I could almost make out the players. Also, we were angled so that we couldn’t see the giant screen in center field. No replays or highlights for us. We were pretty well hidden away.
Somehow though, the beer vendors found us right off.
“Cold beer.”
“Bud, got your Bud right here.”
“Hey, beer here.”
By the 5th inning Fish was quite a hero.
“Fish, best seats ever.”
“I never saw anything like it. They just kept coming with the beer.”
“It’s amazing.”
“Quick, drink up. They stop selling after the 7th.”
I DONT CARE IF WE EVER GET BACK
After the game we were thrust back into the sunlight, squinting like moles. Red headed for the train station.
“Red’s lost a lot of weight. He doesn’t look that good”
“Maybe he’s sick.”
“He could be dying and not saying anything. You know he doesn’t like to make a fuss.”
“Just like when his father died. Never said a word to anybody. Remember that?
“What do you think?”
“Me? I don’t even know the guy,” I said. “I guess he could be sick. I guess he could be dying”
“Hey look, there’s Carmine.” Waiting over there at the curb.”
“What a great guy.”
“Let’s go.”
THE SQUARE ROOT OF THE HYPOTENUSE
“Let’s figure out the tip.”
“Well. How much is the limo.?”
“Tiger’s paying $65 an hour. I guess times 5 hours. How much is that?”
“Carmine, you should turn here to get to the bridge. Ok, just go up and around the block then.”
“That’s $330. What’s 20% of that?”
“$66.”
“That’s not enough. How about we all chip in $25 for the tip. Carmine’s a really great guy.”
“And let’s throw in $5 more for Tiger. It’s not right that he should have to pay over $300.”
“Carmine, if you take the next exit you can avoid all that traffic. Well, this one’s all right too.”
WE GET TAKEN FOR ONE LAST RIDE
“Hey everybody, come on in and have one for the road,” Fish said.
We all followed, leaving Tiger to settle up Carmine.
Tiger came in a minute later. “There’s a problem,” he said. “Carmine can’t take a check or a credit card; he needs cash.”
“I thought you asked about that when you called,” Fish said.
“The limo company said yes,” Tiger said. “But Carmine, he’s just doing us a favor like off the books, so he wants cash. I said he can follow me to my house or to a cash machine, but he says he’s right up against the clock and if he does that he’ll have to charge for another hour.”
“Did you give him the tip yet?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Tiger said. “Right away.”
“How much do you need?" Fish asked.
“I’ve got a little over $200,” Tiger said.
“Hey everybody, chip in another $20 for the limo,” Fish yelled.
“Better make it $25,” said Tiger. “The Eye Doctor just pulled out.”
As I was leaving, Fish pulled me aside. “I’m sorry about Tiger. The way he messed up Carmine like that. Sometimes I just don’t know what he’s thinking.”
“I couldn't believe the whole thing either, " I said. “See you around.”
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“I guess you don’t go out any more, do you?” said Fish.
“I’m out now,” I said.
“I mean, like go out,” Fish said. “Are you allowed to go out?”
“I am allowed to go out,” I said. “I’m sure of it.”
“I mean, by yourself,” Fish said. “Are you allowed to go out by yourself?”
“Yes,” I said. “I can go out by myself. Why do you ask?”
“I’ve got eight tickets for the game on June 22nd. Wanna go?”
I did a quick mental calculation. It was mid-April. June 22nd was a long time away. It might never come. “Sure,” I said. “That’ll be great.”
NO WAY OUT
That night I asked a question. “Am I allowed to go out?”
“What do you mean, go out? Go out where?”
“To a baseball game, with a bunch of people.”
“What kind of question is that? Of course you can go to a baseball game.”
“I was afraid of that,” I said.
THE PLOT THICKENS
Fish called a few weeks later. “Great news. Tiger came into some money and he’s renting a limo so we can drink all day with no worries about driving.”
“That is great,” I said.
“Be over my house around 11, we want to get an early start.”
“No problem,” I said.
“And I told Tiger we’ll all chip in for the tip on the limo.”
“No problem,” I said.
“You have work today, Daddy?” Thing 1 asked.
“No work today. I’m going to a baseball game.”
“Who are you going with?”
“Some friends of mine.”
She was flummoxed. With hands on hips: “And who are these friends?”
“Oh, just some friends I have”
“What are their names?”
“Well, I don’t actually know all their names yet, but I can tell you that one is a Fish and the other is a Tiger.”
She was properly impressed.
DAY OF RECKONING
I got to Fish’s house right at 11. He opened the refrigerator. “First things first. Bud or Coors Light?”
First Hobson’s choice of the day, I said to myself. I held up a hand signifying that I’d hold off for a while. “
“Make it a Bud then,” Fish said as he dropped a cold can into my outstretched hand.
“Bud it is,” I said.
There was an old guy standing in the living room. Thin silver hair, slicked back. Black shirt, shiny black pants, and shiny black shoes. “That’s Carmine, the limo driver. He’s really gonna take care of us,” Fish said. “Right, Carm?”
Carmine grimaced.
“Carmine’s a bartender at The Corner Bar. He’s great,” Fish said. “He drives a limo in his spare time.”
That piece fell into place.
Tiger arrived, lugging a shopping bag full of beer. “Got some Bud and some Coors Light,” he said.
“Great,” I said
“You know,” Tiger said, “in all the years we’ve been running into each other I never knew your last name.”
“I’ll be damned,” I said. “Isn’t that something.”
Fish came in from the garage, dragging an extremely large cooler. “The other guys are waiting outside,” he said. “Let’s load this up and get going.”
TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME
It was not a large limo. Wedged in between The Eye Doctor and The Bar Owner, with my legs propped up on the cooler, I did a quick count. “I thought we had eight.”
“Red’s taking the train and meeting us down there,” Fish said. “Who needs a beer?’
I closed my eyes and let the conversation wash over me.
“Bud.”
“Bud.”
"Bud Light."
“Coors Light.”
“Mich Light has fewer calories, but Mich Ultra is lower in carbs."
“Carmine, you just missed the highway entrance.”
“Who needs a beer?”
“Bud.”
"Bud Light."
“Coors Light.”
“Hey, who put these Millers in here?”
“Bud.”
“Hey, Carmine.”
Tiger was passing around a flyer. “It’s next Sunday at Emmtown Park. An all-day Bluesfest. Only $30. And all the beer you can drink. Who’s in?”
It looked like everyone was going in. “No thanks,” I said. “I don’t like the blues.”
“Everyone likes the blues,” Tiger said. “Besides, it’s all-day, all the beer you can drink.”
“I’ll pass,” I said.
"Oh, yeah. That's right. Fish told me you weren’t allowed out,” Tiger said.
It seemed for a second that everyone was looking at me, maybe in pity. I began to feel a little embarrassed. Then I realized that it was the cooler that they were interested in. Once more, I brought my knees up to my chin, the lid was lifted, and another round was gained. Everyone relaxed.
“Carmine’s making good time.”
“Too good. He just missed the turnoff to the stadium.”
“Yo, Carmine.”
“Quick, let’s have one more before we get to the stadium bar.”
“Gimme a Bud.”
“We’re out. Only Millers left.”
“Got here just in time.”
“Carmine’s gonna wait here. Pick us up after the game.”
“He’s a great guy, Carmine.”
“There’s Red. Let go in and get a beer.”
The stadium bar featured two types of beer on tap.
TAKE ME OUT WITH THE CROWD
We eventually worked our way to our seats. They weren’t the best. In right field, lower level, but so far back we were in perpetual shadow from the upper deck overhang. I could almost make out the players. Also, we were angled so that we couldn’t see the giant screen in center field. No replays or highlights for us. We were pretty well hidden away.
Somehow though, the beer vendors found us right off.
“Cold beer.”
“Bud, got your Bud right here.”
“Hey, beer here.”
By the 5th inning Fish was quite a hero.
“Fish, best seats ever.”
“I never saw anything like it. They just kept coming with the beer.”
“It’s amazing.”
“Quick, drink up. They stop selling after the 7th.”
I DONT CARE IF WE EVER GET BACK
After the game we were thrust back into the sunlight, squinting like moles. Red headed for the train station.
“Red’s lost a lot of weight. He doesn’t look that good”
“Maybe he’s sick.”
“He could be dying and not saying anything. You know he doesn’t like to make a fuss.”
“Just like when his father died. Never said a word to anybody. Remember that?
“What do you think?”
“Me? I don’t even know the guy,” I said. “I guess he could be sick. I guess he could be dying”
“Hey look, there’s Carmine.” Waiting over there at the curb.”
“What a great guy.”
“Let’s go.”
THE SQUARE ROOT OF THE HYPOTENUSE
“Let’s figure out the tip.”
“Well. How much is the limo.?”
“Tiger’s paying $65 an hour. I guess times 5 hours. How much is that?”
“Carmine, you should turn here to get to the bridge. Ok, just go up and around the block then.”
“That’s $330. What’s 20% of that?”
“$66.”
“That’s not enough. How about we all chip in $25 for the tip. Carmine’s a really great guy.”
“And let’s throw in $5 more for Tiger. It’s not right that he should have to pay over $300.”
“Carmine, if you take the next exit you can avoid all that traffic. Well, this one’s all right too.”
WE GET TAKEN FOR ONE LAST RIDE
“Hey everybody, come on in and have one for the road,” Fish said.
We all followed, leaving Tiger to settle up Carmine.
Tiger came in a minute later. “There’s a problem,” he said. “Carmine can’t take a check or a credit card; he needs cash.”
“I thought you asked about that when you called,” Fish said.
“The limo company said yes,” Tiger said. “But Carmine, he’s just doing us a favor like off the books, so he wants cash. I said he can follow me to my house or to a cash machine, but he says he’s right up against the clock and if he does that he’ll have to charge for another hour.”
“Did you give him the tip yet?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Tiger said. “Right away.”
“How much do you need?" Fish asked.
“I’ve got a little over $200,” Tiger said.
“Hey everybody, chip in another $20 for the limo,” Fish yelled.
“Better make it $25,” said Tiger. “The Eye Doctor just pulled out.”
As I was leaving, Fish pulled me aside. “I’m sorry about Tiger. The way he messed up Carmine like that. Sometimes I just don’t know what he’s thinking.”
“I couldn't believe the whole thing either, " I said. “See you around.”
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