Thursday, April 29, 2004
OTHER THAN HIS FAMILY, HIS GREATEST LOVES WERE HIS FRUIT TREES
“Did you ever meet my Uncle Mitch?” I asked LZ.
“Wasn’t he a real famous guy that no one had ever heard of?” she asked.
“That’s him,” I said.
No,” she said. “He was before my time.”
“Did I ever tell you about him?” I asked.
“I don’t believe so,” LZ said. “But your mother has mentioned him from time to time.”
“She told you The Post wouldn’t run his obituary because of fact checking? All the people that hadn’t heard of him didn’t know he was dead either?”
“That’s not exactly how she phrased it.”
“This has been on my mind, “ I said, “because of the way obituaries are now. Have you read any obituaries recently?”
“I don’t believe so,” LZ said.
“They’ve changed,” I said. “They put in stuff that they people liked to do, their hobbies and interests. Sort of a last stab at humanization. Do you want to hear an example?”
“No, not really,” LZ Said.
“How about this,” I read” “S was an animal lover who especially loved dogs. It’s the especially that makes the sentence, isn’t it.” When I looked up, LZ was gone. I found her at the computer.
“She loved lions and tigers and enjoyed reading and crossword puzzles. That’s quite the gamut, isn’t it? I’ve got a mental image of this woman, gray hair, reading glasses perched down on her nose, brow slightly furrowed, just about to pencil in 11 Down. And at her feet, Simba, her favorite lion, and Rajah, her Bengal tiger, have snuggled in for a long winter’s nap.”
“You’re going to be late for work,” LZ said.
HE ALSO LOVED TO GARDEN AND COLLECTING ANYTHING
“Remember earlier this week, when we were talking about obituaries,” I said to LZ. “Well, I’ve been reading them every day. Some are really quite compelling. There’s a whole life and what do you get: Mr. D was a lifelong Yankees fan. Mr. W was very active in model railroading. L is remembered as an accomplished hostess, and lover of outrageous earrings.
“Maybe,” said LZ, “if you family hadn’t been so uppity, if they just put in about Mitch: He liked to play golf and drink whiskey, then the paper would have printed his obituary on time.
“I’ve got to get to work,” I said.
MR. E WAS A DEALER/BROKER IN ANIMAL HIDES AND SKINS FOR MANY YEARS
Later that day I called LZ. “I’ve been thinking,” I said. “When I die, please make sure that you put in my obituary that I couldn’t abide the NASCAR circuit. Can you remember that? And my favorite songs – put them in, will you? I’ll make a list.”
I’ll try to remember,” she said.
“And I like the Phillies, at least I like them better than the Yankees, who I never liked at all.”
“I thought you liked the Braves,” LZ said. “You make me watch all those playoff games with them.”
“I was just rooting for the Braves because they are in the same division as the Phillies,” I said. “I never root for teams from the west, or any American League teams at all, no matter where they’re from.”
“There’s no way any paper will print all this,” LZ said. “You’ll get ignored more than Mitch ever was.”
“I’ll write down the more essential stuff when I get home,” I said.
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V WAS SOBER FOR 34 YEARS
“My mother told you that; she told you Mitch was a golfer and a whiskey drinker?” I asked.
“When she gets going, she doesn’t leave much out,” LZ said.
“I bet she left out the part about my brother having Mitch’s ashes in his putter,” I said.
“Jesus Christ,” said LZ. “It never ends with the bunch of you, does it? This one you can tell me.”
“I’m sort of in a hurry,” I said. “Some other time.”
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R WAS ALSO INVOLVED WITH HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW IN AN EXTERMINATING BUSINESS
“Mitch Jr. had told CR no, that they were going to bury Mitch under his favorite apple tree in the back yard, but CR figured they just made that up to put him off. Mitch never cared much for nature and in general, golfers don’t like trees. There was no way Mitch had a favorite apple tree. CR didn’t press the issue so as to not raise any suspicions, but when there was that get-together for Mitch III, he went down. Remember, we got out of that one. When CR got there he checked the hall closet and the ashes were still in a delivery case, behind the umbrellas, right were they’d been stashed how many years back. So he snuck them out toward the end of the night.”
“And what was the point of the great crime?” LZ asked.
“CR thought of it as a liberation, not a crime. He was going to take Mitch back out golfing. Literally. But the thing is, with the kids and all, and all their activities, CR really doesn’t have the time to golf anymore. He’s stashed his clubs in his own hall closet. I don’t think Mitch has been out even once.”
“Thanks for clearing all that up for me,” LZ said. "Now things are starting to make sense."
“Did you ever meet my Uncle Mitch?” I asked LZ.
“Wasn’t he a real famous guy that no one had ever heard of?” she asked.
“That’s him,” I said.
No,” she said. “He was before my time.”
“Did I ever tell you about him?” I asked.
“I don’t believe so,” LZ said. “But your mother has mentioned him from time to time.”
“She told you The Post wouldn’t run his obituary because of fact checking? All the people that hadn’t heard of him didn’t know he was dead either?”
“That’s not exactly how she phrased it.”
“This has been on my mind, “ I said, “because of the way obituaries are now. Have you read any obituaries recently?”
“I don’t believe so,” LZ said.
“They’ve changed,” I said. “They put in stuff that they people liked to do, their hobbies and interests. Sort of a last stab at humanization. Do you want to hear an example?”
“No, not really,” LZ Said.
“How about this,” I read” “S was an animal lover who especially loved dogs. It’s the especially that makes the sentence, isn’t it.” When I looked up, LZ was gone. I found her at the computer.
“She loved lions and tigers and enjoyed reading and crossword puzzles. That’s quite the gamut, isn’t it? I’ve got a mental image of this woman, gray hair, reading glasses perched down on her nose, brow slightly furrowed, just about to pencil in 11 Down. And at her feet, Simba, her favorite lion, and Rajah, her Bengal tiger, have snuggled in for a long winter’s nap.”
“You’re going to be late for work,” LZ said.
HE ALSO LOVED TO GARDEN AND COLLECTING ANYTHING
“Remember earlier this week, when we were talking about obituaries,” I said to LZ. “Well, I’ve been reading them every day. Some are really quite compelling. There’s a whole life and what do you get: Mr. D was a lifelong Yankees fan. Mr. W was very active in model railroading. L is remembered as an accomplished hostess, and lover of outrageous earrings.
“Maybe,” said LZ, “if you family hadn’t been so uppity, if they just put in about Mitch: He liked to play golf and drink whiskey, then the paper would have printed his obituary on time.
“I’ve got to get to work,” I said.
MR. E WAS A DEALER/BROKER IN ANIMAL HIDES AND SKINS FOR MANY YEARS
Later that day I called LZ. “I’ve been thinking,” I said. “When I die, please make sure that you put in my obituary that I couldn’t abide the NASCAR circuit. Can you remember that? And my favorite songs – put them in, will you? I’ll make a list.”
I’ll try to remember,” she said.
“And I like the Phillies, at least I like them better than the Yankees, who I never liked at all.”
“I thought you liked the Braves,” LZ said. “You make me watch all those playoff games with them.”
“I was just rooting for the Braves because they are in the same division as the Phillies,” I said. “I never root for teams from the west, or any American League teams at all, no matter where they’re from.”
“There’s no way any paper will print all this,” LZ said. “You’ll get ignored more than Mitch ever was.”
“I’ll write down the more essential stuff when I get home,” I said.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
V WAS SOBER FOR 34 YEARS
“My mother told you that; she told you Mitch was a golfer and a whiskey drinker?” I asked.
“When she gets going, she doesn’t leave much out,” LZ said.
“I bet she left out the part about my brother having Mitch’s ashes in his putter,” I said.
“Jesus Christ,” said LZ. “It never ends with the bunch of you, does it? This one you can tell me.”
“I’m sort of in a hurry,” I said. “Some other time.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
R WAS ALSO INVOLVED WITH HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW IN AN EXTERMINATING BUSINESS
“Mitch Jr. had told CR no, that they were going to bury Mitch under his favorite apple tree in the back yard, but CR figured they just made that up to put him off. Mitch never cared much for nature and in general, golfers don’t like trees. There was no way Mitch had a favorite apple tree. CR didn’t press the issue so as to not raise any suspicions, but when there was that get-together for Mitch III, he went down. Remember, we got out of that one. When CR got there he checked the hall closet and the ashes were still in a delivery case, behind the umbrellas, right were they’d been stashed how many years back. So he snuck them out toward the end of the night.”
“And what was the point of the great crime?” LZ asked.
“CR thought of it as a liberation, not a crime. He was going to take Mitch back out golfing. Literally. But the thing is, with the kids and all, and all their activities, CR really doesn’t have the time to golf anymore. He’s stashed his clubs in his own hall closet. I don’t think Mitch has been out even once.”
“Thanks for clearing all that up for me,” LZ said. "Now things are starting to make sense."
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