Sunday, July 25, 2004
LAWS ARE PRESCRIPTIVE, NOT DESCRIPTIVE, HE EXPLAINED
"It's Jurvoz." LZ said. "She held the phone in two fingers, arm stretched out as far as possible, as if the phone itself were contaminated.
"What does that nut want?" I asked.
"He wants you," LZ said.
"Good," I said. "I was hoping he'd call."
LZ set the phone down and backed out of the room.
"Jurvoz," I said. "What's up?"
"I heard that nut comment," he said.
"What's up?" I said.
"I was thinking," Jurvoz said. "Are you still getting out to the track a lot?"
"Not really," I said. "What with D and his activities, and the Things, and the two jobs, and all the blogging, I haven't had much time."
"All the what?" Jurvoz asked. "What's blogging?"
"You'll see," I said.
"I was thinking," Jurvoz said, "we should go out there tomorrow night. I hear there's a promotion going on, like half price valet parking, or something else good."
"Great," I said. "I'm free."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jurvoz pulled something out from under the driver's seat. "I brought this for the ride," he said.
"A flask?" I said. "What is this, 1920? Who drives around with a flask?"
"I find them very convenient," Jurvoz said.
"My God," I said. "What do you have in there? It smells terrible?"
"I think what you're smelling is my hair," Jurvoz said. "I loaded up with Vitalis."
"Vitalis," I said. "I didn't know they still made it."
"I'm not sure they do, " Jurvoz said. "I bought a couple of bottles at a flea market. They could have been leftovers."
"Except for the smell, the effect is sort of lost," I said. "What with the big hat."
"This big hat is a Stetson," Jurvoz said. "A Diamante, to be exact."
"What's a hat like that run?" I asked.
"I know they're pricey," Jurvoz said. "But I couldn't tell you exactly what they go for."
"Why is that?" I asked. "Fall off the back of a truck?"
"No, off a careless cowboy."
So what's in the flask, then?" I asked.
It's a blend," Jurvoz said. "Mostly bourbon, some scotch, and topped off with some brandy to smooth it out. Have a swig."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're not buying a program?" I asked.
"I don't know why you'd waste your time trying to figure all that stuff out," Jurvoz said. "Everyone knows it's all fixed."
"I know there have been some incidents," I said. "But it just as wrong to think that they're all fixed as it is to assume that none are."
"You keep believing that," Jurvoz laughed, as he settled himself in.
I only had time for a quick look at the first race, but I thought I saw something, so I got up to bet.
"Are you going to get drinks?" Jurvoz asked.
"I don't want to drink a lot," I said. "I'm trying to concentrate. Maybe I'll just get a beer."
"As long as you're going, get me a glass of whiskey." Jurvoz said. "And make it a triple, that way you won't have to keep going back and forth to the bar."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You haven't hit a single race yet," Jurvoz said. "I thought you said you knew what you were doing."
"I'm having trouble concentrating for some reason," I said. "Maybe we should just head out."
"Next time," Jurvoz said, "you should just bet by the names, or your favorite number, like that. Save yourself a lot of aggravation."
"You think that would work?" I asked.
"Look at me," Jurvoz said. "I hit that eighty dollar exacta just from what I overheard in the bathroom. Making money here, it's easy, as long as you don't overthink."
"Is that my problem?" I asked. "Overthinking?"
"For instance," Jurvoz said, "the next time you come out here, you should pick one jockey and just bet on him in every race. Then you wouldn't have to waste your time with all those numbers and calculations."
"Drivers," I said.
"What?" said Jurvoz.
"They're called drivers in harness racing, not jockeys."
"No difference," Jurvoz said. "But see how you get hung up on all the technicalities - no wonder you can't relax and pick a winner."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jurvoz fishtailed out of the parking lot in a shower of sand and gravel.
"Are you sure you all right to drive?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" Jurvoz asked. "I only had a couple of drinks."
"Three triples and a flaskful," I said. "To be technical."
Jurvoz was quiet for a second. "I guess I have had a bit," he said. "But I'm fine. Look how big I am. A guy my size can drink as much as he wants. It's physiology."
Jurvoz sped past our exit.
"Physiology," I said. "You just missed our turnoff."
"I know what I'm doing," Jurvoz said. "I hear there's a new club up north a few miles. They said the girls get totally naked. We should check it out."
"I haven't heard of any club around here," I said. "This is all farm country."
"You're telling me farmers don't like naked women?" Jurvoz said. "I doubt that."
"I don't know much about farmers," I said. "But I do know there's no naked club around here. There's no naked clubs in this entire state. It's against the law."
If you believe things don't exist just because they are against the law, then you are either in deep denial or hopelessly naive," Jurvoz said. "Look at me: Totally hammered. Speeding. No license. No insurance. It's all supposedly against the law."
"Jesus," I said. "No license?"
"What you don't understand," Jurzov said, "is that the laws are just guidelines for people to follow. They're not real things."
"No insurance either?" I said.
"They sent me some sort of notice, demanding I surrender my license," Jurvoz said. "I never got around to mailing it back, but I did think to cancel my insurance. There's no way they would cover someone on the suspended list anyway."
"Sound logical," I said.
"I'm serious about the farmers," Jurvoz said. "My uncle, Old Jake Jurvoz, he was a farmer, and he was the biggest pervert you ever saw."
"I don't believe I ever met him," I said.
"You wouldn't have," said Jurvoz. "He's in a home for the criminally insane. In Idaho."
"Jumping Jesus," I said. "What did he do?"
"There were the usual charges," Jurvoz said. "And a few others added on. But he was so bonkers they never even had a trial. So, legally, he hasn't done anything."
"That's a mercy," I said.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jurvoz careened down one unlighted country road after another in search of the mythical farmer's strip club.
"You know what I need to straighten up?" he said.
"I couldn't guess," I said.
"A couple of lines," Jurvoz said. "No more than half a gram. You got any?"
"Sorry," I said. "I didn't realize it was my turn to bring it."
"I think I'll drive into the city," Jurvoz said. "There's an after hours joint where the bartender owes me some. "
"I've had it for the night," I said. "Maybe you should just drop me off."
"That's really out of my way," Jurvoz said.
Not really," I said. "You should be coming up to a county road that will take us back through Aytown. Then we can get back on the highway for there."
"I guess I could do that," Jurvoz said. "If you really have to go home." He gave me a pitying look.
"Just be careful going through Aytown," I said. "The speed limit drops with no warning and the police are notorious."
"Don't worry about it," Jurvoz said. "I know how to handle those yokels."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Sir, you were going 48 mph in a 25 mph zone," the Aytown cop said. "I'm going to need to see your license and registration."
Jurvoz fumbled through his wallet, trying to come up with the bogus documents.
"Have you been drinking, sir?" the cop asked.
Jurvoz sat up straight and stared directly at the cop.
"Of course," he said. "Early on."
"Please wait in the car, sir," the cop said. He walked back to the cruiser.
"Hang on," Jurvoz said. "When he gets in his car to run the plate, I'm gonna bolt."
"Are you sure that's the best option? I asked.
"Absolutely," Jurvoz said.
I snuck a look back. The cop stopped at the door of his car, hesitated, then leaned through the window and pulled out a citation book. He walked back to us.
"I'm going to let you off with a written warning, Mr Jurvoz," the cop said. "Have a nice evening."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LZ was waiting up. "How was it?" she asked.
"The usual," I said.
"Did you get what you needed?"
"It'll do," I said.
The phone rang. It was Jurvoz on his cell.
"That cop, I didn't like him," Jurvoz said. "He was giving me the hairy eyeball the whole time. I'm thinking of reporting him. Did you get his badge number?"
"Sorry, I missed it," I said.
"Jeez," Jurvoz said. "You don't drink, you don't gamble, you've got to be home for the eleven o'clock news, you're afraid of the police...."
I scratched the mouthpiece with my thumbnail. "You're breaking up," I said. "Gotta go."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It's Jurvoz." LZ said. "She held the phone in two fingers, arm stretched out as far as possible, as if the phone itself were contaminated.
"What does that nut want?" I asked.
"He wants you," LZ said.
"Good," I said. "I was hoping he'd call."
LZ set the phone down and backed out of the room.
"Jurvoz," I said. "What's up?"
"I heard that nut comment," he said.
"What's up?" I said.
"I was thinking," Jurvoz said. "Are you still getting out to the track a lot?"
"Not really," I said. "What with D and his activities, and the Things, and the two jobs, and all the blogging, I haven't had much time."
"All the what?" Jurvoz asked. "What's blogging?"
"You'll see," I said.
"I was thinking," Jurvoz said, "we should go out there tomorrow night. I hear there's a promotion going on, like half price valet parking, or something else good."
"Great," I said. "I'm free."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jurvoz pulled something out from under the driver's seat. "I brought this for the ride," he said.
"A flask?" I said. "What is this, 1920? Who drives around with a flask?"
"I find them very convenient," Jurvoz said.
"My God," I said. "What do you have in there? It smells terrible?"
"I think what you're smelling is my hair," Jurvoz said. "I loaded up with Vitalis."
"Vitalis," I said. "I didn't know they still made it."
"I'm not sure they do, " Jurvoz said. "I bought a couple of bottles at a flea market. They could have been leftovers."
"Except for the smell, the effect is sort of lost," I said. "What with the big hat."
"This big hat is a Stetson," Jurvoz said. "A Diamante, to be exact."
"What's a hat like that run?" I asked.
"I know they're pricey," Jurvoz said. "But I couldn't tell you exactly what they go for."
"Why is that?" I asked. "Fall off the back of a truck?"
"No, off a careless cowboy."
So what's in the flask, then?" I asked.
It's a blend," Jurvoz said. "Mostly bourbon, some scotch, and topped off with some brandy to smooth it out. Have a swig."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're not buying a program?" I asked.
"I don't know why you'd waste your time trying to figure all that stuff out," Jurvoz said. "Everyone knows it's all fixed."
"I know there have been some incidents," I said. "But it just as wrong to think that they're all fixed as it is to assume that none are."
"You keep believing that," Jurvoz laughed, as he settled himself in.
I only had time for a quick look at the first race, but I thought I saw something, so I got up to bet.
"Are you going to get drinks?" Jurvoz asked.
"I don't want to drink a lot," I said. "I'm trying to concentrate. Maybe I'll just get a beer."
"As long as you're going, get me a glass of whiskey." Jurvoz said. "And make it a triple, that way you won't have to keep going back and forth to the bar."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You haven't hit a single race yet," Jurvoz said. "I thought you said you knew what you were doing."
"I'm having trouble concentrating for some reason," I said. "Maybe we should just head out."
"Next time," Jurvoz said, "you should just bet by the names, or your favorite number, like that. Save yourself a lot of aggravation."
"You think that would work?" I asked.
"Look at me," Jurvoz said. "I hit that eighty dollar exacta just from what I overheard in the bathroom. Making money here, it's easy, as long as you don't overthink."
"Is that my problem?" I asked. "Overthinking?"
"For instance," Jurvoz said, "the next time you come out here, you should pick one jockey and just bet on him in every race. Then you wouldn't have to waste your time with all those numbers and calculations."
"Drivers," I said.
"What?" said Jurvoz.
"They're called drivers in harness racing, not jockeys."
"No difference," Jurvoz said. "But see how you get hung up on all the technicalities - no wonder you can't relax and pick a winner."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jurvoz fishtailed out of the parking lot in a shower of sand and gravel.
"Are you sure you all right to drive?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" Jurvoz asked. "I only had a couple of drinks."
"Three triples and a flaskful," I said. "To be technical."
Jurvoz was quiet for a second. "I guess I have had a bit," he said. "But I'm fine. Look how big I am. A guy my size can drink as much as he wants. It's physiology."
Jurvoz sped past our exit.
"Physiology," I said. "You just missed our turnoff."
"I know what I'm doing," Jurvoz said. "I hear there's a new club up north a few miles. They said the girls get totally naked. We should check it out."
"I haven't heard of any club around here," I said. "This is all farm country."
"You're telling me farmers don't like naked women?" Jurvoz said. "I doubt that."
"I don't know much about farmers," I said. "But I do know there's no naked club around here. There's no naked clubs in this entire state. It's against the law."
If you believe things don't exist just because they are against the law, then you are either in deep denial or hopelessly naive," Jurvoz said. "Look at me: Totally hammered. Speeding. No license. No insurance. It's all supposedly against the law."
"Jesus," I said. "No license?"
"What you don't understand," Jurzov said, "is that the laws are just guidelines for people to follow. They're not real things."
"No insurance either?" I said.
"They sent me some sort of notice, demanding I surrender my license," Jurvoz said. "I never got around to mailing it back, but I did think to cancel my insurance. There's no way they would cover someone on the suspended list anyway."
"Sound logical," I said.
"I'm serious about the farmers," Jurvoz said. "My uncle, Old Jake Jurvoz, he was a farmer, and he was the biggest pervert you ever saw."
"I don't believe I ever met him," I said.
"You wouldn't have," said Jurvoz. "He's in a home for the criminally insane. In Idaho."
"Jumping Jesus," I said. "What did he do?"
"There were the usual charges," Jurvoz said. "And a few others added on. But he was so bonkers they never even had a trial. So, legally, he hasn't done anything."
"That's a mercy," I said.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jurvoz careened down one unlighted country road after another in search of the mythical farmer's strip club.
"You know what I need to straighten up?" he said.
"I couldn't guess," I said.
"A couple of lines," Jurvoz said. "No more than half a gram. You got any?"
"Sorry," I said. "I didn't realize it was my turn to bring it."
"I think I'll drive into the city," Jurvoz said. "There's an after hours joint where the bartender owes me some. "
"I've had it for the night," I said. "Maybe you should just drop me off."
"That's really out of my way," Jurvoz said.
Not really," I said. "You should be coming up to a county road that will take us back through Aytown. Then we can get back on the highway for there."
"I guess I could do that," Jurvoz said. "If you really have to go home." He gave me a pitying look.
"Just be careful going through Aytown," I said. "The speed limit drops with no warning and the police are notorious."
"Don't worry about it," Jurvoz said. "I know how to handle those yokels."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Sir, you were going 48 mph in a 25 mph zone," the Aytown cop said. "I'm going to need to see your license and registration."
Jurvoz fumbled through his wallet, trying to come up with the bogus documents.
"Have you been drinking, sir?" the cop asked.
Jurvoz sat up straight and stared directly at the cop.
"Of course," he said. "Early on."
"Please wait in the car, sir," the cop said. He walked back to the cruiser.
"Hang on," Jurvoz said. "When he gets in his car to run the plate, I'm gonna bolt."
"Are you sure that's the best option? I asked.
"Absolutely," Jurvoz said.
I snuck a look back. The cop stopped at the door of his car, hesitated, then leaned through the window and pulled out a citation book. He walked back to us.
"I'm going to let you off with a written warning, Mr Jurvoz," the cop said. "Have a nice evening."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LZ was waiting up. "How was it?" she asked.
"The usual," I said.
"Did you get what you needed?"
"It'll do," I said.
The phone rang. It was Jurvoz on his cell.
"That cop, I didn't like him," Jurvoz said. "He was giving me the hairy eyeball the whole time. I'm thinking of reporting him. Did you get his badge number?"
"Sorry, I missed it," I said.
"Jeez," Jurvoz said. "You don't drink, you don't gamble, you've got to be home for the eleven o'clock news, you're afraid of the police...."
I scratched the mouthpiece with my thumbnail. "You're breaking up," I said. "Gotta go."
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