MONKEYSAYS

SANDALPHOBE

Three Goths walked by, all dressed in Goth.

"Wouldn't you think they'd be a little hot in those layers and long black pants?" LZ said.

"I don't think they have a choice," I said. "If you sign up, you've got to wear the uniform."

"It's not really that good a look, " LZ said. "Especially when it's in the 90's and the humidity is worse."

I thought this would be the perfect time for me to say, "Remember, it's not the heat, it's the stupidity," but I checked myself. I've said it once a summer for the last few years (always at what I feel is a really opportune moment) but I've never gotten a reaction, so I'm retiring the line.

"You'll notice CB," I said. "You'll never see him in short pants, no matter how hot it is."

"I hadn't noticed," LZ said.

"It's true," I said. "I have noticed."

"I wonder why that is," LZ said.

"Maybe he has knobby knees," I said.

"It's probably some weird guy thing," LZ said. "Like he thinks it's gay for a grown man to wear short pants."

"You could be onto something," I said. "I've got that with sandals. You'll never catch me in sandals."

"There's nothing wrong with sandals," LZ said. "Lots of men wear sandals."

"You know," I said, "if every man I ever saw was wearing sandals, I wouldn't think sandals were in style. I would just think that everyone had turned gay."

"That's ridiculous," LZ said. "Sometimes I think you're becoming a real homophobe."

"I'm not really like that," I said. "It's just this oppressive weather. Making me a little punch drunk. Remember, it's not the heat...."

I didn't get to finish. The phone had started ringing and LZ was running back to the house, well out of earshot.