MONKEYSAYS

BUGEL INVESTIGATES

"I need a favor," Marcus said.

"Not a chance," I said.

"That house you're renting with Joe H. It has three bedrooms, doesn't it?" Marcus asked.

"I never noticed," I said.

"Well, the thing is, we hired a new soundman for the band, and he needs a place to stay."

"Why would you hire a homeless soundman?" I asked.

"He's not homeless," Marcus said. "It's just that he's from up north and he'd have to move down here to work for us."

"Why didn't you get a local guy?" I asked.

"This guy has a lot of equipment, plus he was the only one to answer our ad," Marcus said.

"I don't think I want any soundmen in the house," I said. "They're a weird bunch, in general."

"This guy can pay; he'll even give you a couple of months in advance. That's how desperate he is," Marcus said.

"When can he move in?" I asked.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was working days and going to school four night a week. On Saturdays I tried to catch up with everything and get a little rest. FW was agitating to get married, even though I suspected her of cheating on me while I was listening to lectures on Max Weber or writing papers on the dramatic structures of Restoration comedies. I thought I was at a low point.

Then Bugel started dropping in on Sundays. At first it was to watch the football game, then it became both games. Then it was both games and 60 Minutes.

"What's with that new roommate of yours?" Bugel asked. "Is he gay or what?"

"I don't know," I said. "I hardly ever see him."

"He must be gay," Bugel said. "He never watches football with us."

"He usually drives up on Sundays and visits his family," I said.

"Doesn't that sound pretty gay to you?" Bugel asked.

"I never really thought about it," I said.

"These chips and pretzels aren't doing it," Bugle said. "Don't you have any real food? And we're going to need some more beers too."

I cleaned up the snack mess and went out to the kitchen. I put a frozen pizza in the oven and grabbed two beers. When I got back Bugle was coming down the stairs.

"I proved it," he said. "He is gay."

"How did you do that?" I asked.

"I searched his room," Bugel said. "I found a whole stash of hard core porn that he'd left out in the bottom of his closet, hidden under some clothes, way in the back."

"Gay porn?" I asked.

"No, regular," Bugel said.

"So how does that prove he's gay?" I asked.

"It not only proves he's gay, it proves he's in the closet too, and probably because of your intolerance," Bugel said. "He can't get gay porn because he's afraid you or Joe will snoop around and find it. So he gets regular, but he looks at the guys and not the girls, and he knows if you find it you can't prove anything."

"You should have been a detective, instead of a toilet maker," I said.

"I'm a ceramics technician, and mold former," Bugle corrected. "With full union benefits."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I ran into Marcus at a local diner. He was eating a big plate of french fries swimming in brown gravy.

"I hear you're living with a gay guy," Marcus said. "Anything you want to tell me?"

"You'll be the first to know," I said. "And how do you know he's gay?"

"He told me," Marcus said. "He trusts me."

"Gay and stupid," I said. "Not a great combination in these circles."

"He asked to keep it confidential," Marcus said. "I told him I would, just in case I could get anything else out of him."

"Did it work?" I asked.

"Yes," Marcus said. "He told me he had feelings for me."

"It's not enough you have to have all the girls after you? I asked. "Do you really need the boys too?"

"It's not my fault," Marcus said. "He wants me. What can I do?"

"I would almost believe you," I said, "but I know he really has his eye on someone else. He's been following Joe around like a puppy dog, laughing at his jokes, fetching him beers, carrying his equipment. He even cooked dinner for the two of them the other night. It's not a pretty scene."

"What are you going to do about it?" Marcus asked.

"I ought to wring your neck for instigating this mess," I said. "That's what I should do."

Marcus laughed.

"But what are you going to do about it?" he asked again.

"I may as well get married," I said. "It can't be any more aggravating than what I put up with from those two and with Bugel hanging around all the time."

"That's the spirit," Marcus said. "And who will it be? FW? Or the new one that you think no one knows about?"

"I haven't decided," I said. "I'll probably just flip a coin. But either way, you're not invited."

"Have a french fry," Marcus said. "They're tremendous here."