MONKEYSAYS

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

"Whatever happened to Big Fat Obnoxious Guy?" LZ asked. "You haven't mentioned him in a while."

"I guess he's gone," I said. "It's been over a year since I've seen him."

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So, as these things happen, I ran into him just a few days later. Seem he's got himself a Subworld franchise in Toms River, NJ. The Subworld building is new and clean, but it fronts a blighted strip mall in a blighted area. Business can't be that good.

There was a big sign out front: Now Open For Breakfast.

I walked in but there was no one around. I waited a minute and finally, BFOG emerged from the back of the store.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I'll have a coffee," I said.

He exhaled. He gave me a disgusted look. "Just coffee?"

"Just coffee," I said.

He walked back to the storage area. I could hear him banging around, but I couldn't see what was going on. He came back a few minutes later.

"What size?"

"What do you have?" I asked.

"We have small," he said. "And we have large."

"I'll have a large," I said.

He filled a large cup about three quarters full and set it down on the counter in front of me. I could tell he was spoiling for a fight, hoping I would say something about my less than full cup.

I couldn't do a thing. I didn't have the energy for a fight until I'd had my coffee, and if I did drink the coffee, I'd have destroyed the evidence.

"That's $1.06," BFOG said.

I didn't have any change, so I gave him two singles. He gave me another look, worse that all the others put together, as he carefully counted out the change and slammed it down on the counter.

I walked over to the prep area. There was sugar and stirrers and lids, but no milk or cream. I looked back to the counter, but BFOG was gone.

"Yo," I yelled.

"What is it now?" he yelled from the back.

"Do you have milk for the coffee?" I asked.

"Jesus. It's in the cold case with the sodas, practically right in front of you."

I walked over. There was a half gallon jug of whole milk and one of lowfat. Both were well past their expiration dates.

"Yo," I yelled again.

I heard a crash in the back and some curses. "My God. What do you want now?"

"Your milk is expired. I don't want expired milk, " I said.

"That's all the milk we have," he yelled back. "Take it or leave it."

I left it. I walked out with my unfull cup of black coffee and headed to my car. I got in and sat there for a minute, then I got out and walked back into the Subworld. BFOG was still in the back.

"Listen," I said. "This is not my fault. What did you think, that I would buy a million dollars worth of breakfast sandwiches and save your franchise? You make decisions, you make choices, you end up in a certain place. Maybe it was stupidity on your part. Maybe you were led on. Who knows. Imperfect information leads to imperfect results. Right now it's not pretty for you, but it's like that for a lot of people all over. No use begrudging me a cup of coffee."

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"Did he say anything?" LZ asked.

"Not a word. Never even came back out to the counter," I said.

"Could you tell me," LZ asked, "what on earth you were doing in New Jersey? In Toms River?"

"No, I can't, " I said.

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More questions.

1. When is a river not a river?
2. Why would it matter?
2a. And to whom?