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Friday, September 10, 2004

TRIFECTA

LZ called just before I was leaving work. "Can you stop at the MegaFoodGiant on your way home and pick up a box of BetterBurgers? They're on a big sale."

"You know I hate that place," I said. "I can never find anything."

"If you can't find them, just ask," LZ said. "That's why they have Customer Service."

"OK," I said.

I wandered around the MegaFoodGiant's frozen food section until I was. At that point I gave in and went to Customer Service. A blue-haired lady and I get there at the same time. There was no one else in line. I gallantly let her approach first.

"Can I help you?" the Customer Service girl asked.

Blue Hair one was rummaging through her purse. Finally she produced two overstuffed envelopes. They were overstuffed with lottery pick sheets, lists of numbers on white paper, and regular lottery tickets. She dumped the tickets on the desk.

"First, I'll need you to run these and see if there's any winners. They checked them at the office, and I checked my own, but I just want to be sure."

"No problem!" said Customer Service Girl.

That took a while.

"Now I need 50 of the Pick3 and 50 of the Pick4. The numbers are on these sheets."

She dropped two scrabbly pieces of paper on the counter.

"Fine!" said Customer Service Girl.

I was getting a little desperate. I wanted to leave and go look for the burgers again on my own, but I knew it would be futile. In addition, there was a line growing behind me and I didn't want to lose my place. So I waited.

"And here's our cards for the SuperSuperMillions game," Blue Hair said. "There's 200 altogether. I'm buying for the whole office."

"Great!" said customer service girl.

Time and space began to blur around the edges. On reflection, I believe I had entered a sort of fugue state at this point. I could hear words, but they had ceased to make sense.

"Now I need some scratchies. What games do you have back there?"

"We have Harvest Madness, Bouncing Balls, Election Explosion, and Football Kickoff."

"Is that all?"

"That's just the ones on the bottom shelf. Let me get a stool and read the ones up top for you."

"Do you think you could hurry?" Blue Hair asked. "I've got to get home."

"We also have some leftover OlympicsRules, some BackTo SchoolBucks, SoccerSlam, MovieMoolah...."

"Don't you have the Halloween ones yet?" Blue Hair asked. "I bought some GreedyGhoulies and JackpotJackO'Lanterns yesterday at the UltraBiggerMarket."

"Ours haven't come in yet," said customer service girl.

"This store is terrible." said Blue Hair. "By the time you get them, all the big prizes will be gone."

She scooped up her last batch of tickets and stalked off.

"Sir, sir. If you want help you'll have to step up. You're keeping people waiting."

I stepped up.

"Can you tell me where to find the BetterBurgers that are on sale?"

"BetterBurgers aren't on sale this week," she said. "Next!"

"Excuse me," I said. "It's right here in the circular."

She gave me a sharp look.

"That must be last week's. Next!"

"Excuse me," I said. "Look at the date. This is the current circular."

She grabbed the circular from my hand and puzzled it is if it were an ancient hieroglyph.

"The date is right there," I said. "Right at the top."

She slammed the circular down.

"Did you look where the frozen hamburgers are? In the frozen meat section?"

"Yes, I did," I said.

"There's a big cooler in the aisle with the sale meats," she said. "Did you look there?"

"Yes," I said. "I did."

"We are all out," she said.

"But the sale just started," I said. "How can you be all out?"

"The sale has been going on all week, sir," she said.

It's only Monday," I said. "Don't the sales start on Sunday?"

She got a little louder. "I said we are all out. Next!"

"Wait a second," I said.

There was a lot of grumbling in the line behind me. "Hey buddy," someone yelled. "Move along. Give the girl a break."

A young man, maybe nineteen, approached.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"Who are you?" I asked.

He pointed to a plastic nametag tacked onto his shirt pocket: Art F - Asst Mgr.

"Kick him out," someone yelled.

"I just want to know where I can find the BetterBurgers that are on sale," I said.

"They haven't come in yet," he said.

"She says they've sold out and you say they haven't come in," I said. "Which is it?"

"Maybe we do have some," he said. "Follow me."

We worked our way back to aisle with the sale meat cooler. Art pointed to the cooler.

"They're in there," he said.

"No," I said. "There are no BetterBurgers in there. It's just GoodBurgers and BestBurgers. That's not what I want."

"This really isn't my department," Art said. "I'm technically in non-foods. Let me see if I can find an assistant meat manager to explain this to you."

Art wandered off.

I waited for a few minutes, then started to leave myself, but I heard Art calling from the end of the aisle.

"I just found out," he said. "They'll be here tomorrow, or Thursday at the latest."

"OK," I said. "Can I get a rain check?"

"Of course," Art said. "Just go back to Customer Service and get a form. After you fill it out take it back to the meat section and the assistant manager will initial it, then take it back to Customer Service and have them stamp it for you."

"Maybe I could get a whole bunch of those forms and grill them up for dinner. What do you think?" I asked Art.

"Sir, if you are going to continue to be unreasonable I'm going to have to ask you to leave the premises of the MegaFoodGiant immediately," Art said.

"OK, then," I said. "See you Thursday."

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LZ was waiting for me at the door. Her face fell when she saw that I was empty-handed.

"Where were you?" she asked. "You're almost an hour late and I see you forgot to stop for the burgers."

"Maybe we should all go out tonight," I said.




























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